The Art of Accepting Help

I’m not entirely sure if this is a post about parenting or marriage but they go hand in hand so whatever. And keep in mind I’m a stay at home mom and I’m the one writing this mess, so it’s from my perspective, but it applies to husbands and wives just the same depending on your life situation.

When I got married I was determined not to be a nag. I hated the stereotypical marriage on TV of the wife fussing at the husband for not putting his socks in the hamper or whatever. I actually had a lot of concern about the inevitability, as people made it seem, of that situation. Granted, I got lucky because I have a very tidy boo, I'm honestly a bit of a mess; however, I’ve made it a point in our relationship to try my best not to fuss at every little thing. As we became parents, it became ever more apparent how important this skill was. Because y’all, it’s a skill. Especially for a Type A perfectionist like myself. To hold your tongue when something isn’t exactly the way you want is deserving of an Olympic Gold Medal. 

I used to be a CPA and the company I worked for would hold these women’s meetings where advice was shared on being a woman in the workplace, and those discussions often lead to what it’s like to be a mother in the workplace. I wasn’t a Mom yet and I was just newly married at the time but something was shared that resonated with me and I’ve carried it through my marriage. A partner told this story about how her husband had more favorable work hours than her and so naturally picked up more work around the house. She had come home one day and started rearranging how he’d loaded the dishwasher or something like that and he told her that, without words, she’d said “This isn’t good enough. I can do better than you.” What a crushing blow when you think you’ve just done something helpful. That story spoke to me so heavily. When someone comes behind you and re-does your work, how does that make you feel? It’s insulting and belittling. I personally wouldn’t be inclined to help again. 

I’ve totally KonMari'd up our dresser drawers, but there’s not a chance in the world I’m going to stop Jon from folding laundry however he wants to do it. Because it Does. Not. Matter. Because the fact is, he’s helping. It’s like the whole, beggars can’t be choosers thing right? You CANNOT complain when the help you get isn’t the perfectionist quality you expected. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter if the dishwasher isn’t loaded to perfect and maximum capacity before being run? Does it matter if baby’s socks don’t match? Does it matter if the sandwich is cut in squares or triangles? You’ll find so often that the answer is no and that shift in thinking will open you up to accepting help. You can’t do it all girlfriend, so don’t. And this goes beyond parenting and into your marriage itself. If you don’t want to be a nag, don’t. If you want to pick your battles, pick them. These things lead to a more balanced and healthy marriage as well as smoother parenting.

What I’ve learned over the last 3 years is that no one wants to be bossed around. When it doesn’t count, why not just let them do it their way? Maybe it will work, and great, or maybe they’ll make a harmless mistake and decide to do it differently next time, or even come to you for advice and you can give it to them with love instead of criticism. After all, how did you learn? By trial & error or, more likely, by asking your own Mom. And let’s talk about the example being set. Sons seeing their Dad wash dishes or fold laundry is going to impact them. When they grow and become someone else’s other half, you’ll have inadvertently raised them to KNOW that they should help and not sit around waiting for their wife to bathe and dress 7 children for church while he reads the newspaper (ahem, my grandfather in the 1960’s may he rest in peace).

All this to say, if you want your husband to change diapers, don’t hover just so you can tell him he does it wrong. If you want him to make the kids' lunch, don’t complain about the contents. I'm not saying let him put the baby in the crib face down with a bottle and comforter, but maybe just don't comment when he comes home with Huggies instead of Pampers. And when you do have something that truly needs to be said, correct gently and not critically. Lovingly thank them for doing their best to contribute and there's a good chance they’ll help again next time.